Diary of a Happy Goth

In April, I came out of a three and a half year relationship that I had been in since I was 16. It’s now August and I’m putting myself on the dating scene for the first time ever as an adult. Turns out, it’s brought up so many questions and so much confusion within me that I feel like Carrie Bradshaw, with so many things I can’t help but wonder. It’s also no secret that I’ve been obsessed with Sex and the City recently, where the girls rely on meet cutes and perfectly timed telephone calls to date, contrasting the text messages and hinge profiles I’m finding myself up against. 

To be clear, I’m actually having a great time on Hinge, I think because I’m not searching for anything serious and I’m keeping casual with the way I use it. Whatever happens, will happen, and I’m enjoying dating free from expectation or pressure. I also have no issue with speaking to people in person: I asked if a barista at the Cafe Nero near my work was single (he wasn’t), and I can easily go up to people in clubs (though my judgement is typically impaired by the alcohol I’ve consumed). Still, the easiest and most efficient way to casually date seems to be in the digital world, and so far I’ve had success! But do I just need to put myself out there even more, and is the pressure and expectation of instant replies and stylised highlight reels hurting the patience and organicness of dating? 

As the ultimate obsessor over female friendships, I had to consult the girls on this question. I have close friendships with people from all across the spectrum of dating: in long-term relationships, long-term single, newly taken, non-monogamous, you name it, so I received a range of perspectives. My favourite response and definitely the most thoughtful was

“[The digital world has made dating] more depressing. The illusion of options that Hinge presents prevents us from getting to know people as they are. We present a stylised, perfectly curated version of ourselves.”

I came across this issue when I was first creating my Hinge account, analysing each picture I chose to make sure I wasn’t about to ‘catfish’ anyone by only including dolled-up me and ignoring bare-faced me, which realistically is the version of me any potential partner would see most often. With social media itself being a highlight reel, it’s hard to show the real you when dating, but in the early stages, is it not better to have some guard up?

“Online dating feels like you’re putting yourself up for sale”

When swiping people like they’re just images on a screen, it can definitely feel like this. Having a personal CV on an app for people to scrutinise feels insane when you think about it too hard, like you’re ready to persuade the highest bidder you’re the right person for the job. But could it not also be an effective way of bypassing boring small talk about hometowns and star signs? Or is it actually that serious, and we should be speaking about how our entire identities are having to be hung on a rail like a car boot sale? I’ve taken to Hinge by choice, but I know people who feel it is their last resort and best option to finally find someone, exacerbating the expectation and pressure to finally be sold.

“If it works and enriches your life, then it can’t be a bad thing”

Ultimately, as much as I think the ideal would be a romcom-style meet-cute and an interesting story to tell the grandkids, I know so many couples that met through dating apps and seem completely perfect for one another. For many people in their 20s having grown up in the digital world, having the confidence to flirt in public seems impossible, but the caveat seems to be that people are less inclined to suggest a date, preferring the comfort of the app and leaving the budding relationship just a fading foodstep on the internet. 

As much as dating in the digital age has brought up some concerns in me, like ‘am I messaging them enough?’ and ‘do I even have time for dating?’ I’m viewing it with optimism because I’m not looking for anything in particular and I have zero expectations. And I’m definitely not forgoing the iconic nightclub snog.