Diary of a Happy Goth

I’ve been single for five months now, and it’s an exciting and freeing experience. It’s given me the ability to discover who I am, what I like and what I would put up with. I’m learning which attributes I will accept in a future partner, be that romantic or sexual, and the way I respond to dating dilemmas: being ghosted, having unsatisfying sex and breaking things off to name a few. When my dating and sex lives are particularly interesting I feel like Carrie Bradshaw, eager to gossip over a dirty martini with my friends. When it dries up, I feel a deep sense of calm, nobody I need to text goodnight or share my space with. The freeing ability to have a club snog or flirt with a customer at work if I feel like it. No pressure and no commitment. 

I haven’t always felt this way, of course. I did have poor mental health in the wake of the breakup, and I did get sucked into TikTok tarot readings that told me a one night stand I had was about to confess his love for me (and I believed them). I did (still do) play Silver Springs on repeat after a few glasses of sauvignon blanc. Not because my situation related to the lyrics at all, it just felt very Bridget Jones-esque. I did think I missed being loved and desired in that way, the guarantee that validation was on speed dial. I thought I missed the safety of commitment and that I didn’t need to impress anyone or prove myself to strangers. 

By spending time loving myself like a romantic partner would, I’ve grown to adore myself, and these thoughts are far less regular than they were at the beginning. I have always been an incredibly independent person even inside my last relationship, and I was really proud of the balance I created in my life. I would never prioritise my partner over friends, family, hobbies, studies or myself. I had crafted a healthy relationship that complimented my life, as opposed to dominating or limiting it, which is something I’m seeing all too much with gen z relationships. This meant that when it came to its natural end, my life wasn’t turned upside down, and I could grieve the relationship with my life still in one piece. 

When you leave a relationship, the relationships around you appear magnified, more obvious and on show than you remembered. My social circle is inundated with ‘ands’, blank and blank! I am surrounded by beautiful and amazing couples that I adore, that compliment each other perfectly. But it became exceedingly clear that I needed to adjust to my new role as The Single Friend. Especially when the ending of a recent talking stage made me realise I can’t think of anything worse than having anything serious with another human being. My friends give me everything I could want from a relationship besides the sex, but I can find that anywhere if I get desperate. My friends give me validation, support, love, and we can go on dates! I just have to remember that there is a bigger section of their ‘love-to-give’ pie chart that requires preservation and prioritisation. Which sometimes leaves me needing to take myself on a solo date. The proportion of my day within which I need alone time is very small, I’m a social being and my friends are everything to me. Writing this, I’m alone, looking out of the corner of my eye, hoping a fairy will appear to tell me some gossip from her realm. Maybe she will, and I can copy her outfit for Halloween. 

I read an article on this topic recently by Lauren Butrum for Strike Magazine, called The Things I’ve Learned From Being The Single Friend, and she speaks about the value of having the outsider perspective into other people’s relationships. Not coming from a place of judgement or jealousy, but watching how different dynamics unfold and developing an understanding of what we would and would not accept in our own romantic lives. I’m learning where my standards lie and where ‘the bar’ is for me. I’m seeing how different people communicate, good and bad. 

If I’m being completely honest, I would like to cultivate more friendships with single people because I miss feeling that relatability and connection. I do start to switch off after a while when people speak incessantly about their partners, and there’s only so many times I can make plans with friends where their partner drops them off, picks them up and just seems to appear like a lurking ghost. Maybe some days I do accidentally come from a place of bitterness, maybe my wine-infused Silver Springs listening party has rubbed off onto the next day and I can’t bear being in the land of couples. All I know for sure is, I love being social and I love my friendships more than anything else in the world. Friendships make me the most grateful and I genuinely believe one of my life’s purposes is to grow and nourish them. All I need to do is show up and support everyone.