Diary of a Happy Goth

I really love the quote, “you can’t heal in the same environment that made you sick”, and although it doesn’t fully resonate because I haven’t got any serious trauma from this place, I feel this way every time I return to my hometown. I began experiencing anxiety this time around the moment I got on the bus to the train station.

At the moment I don’t associate it with positive memories, every aspect of joy is shadowed by a dark cloud of bad memories. Friendships lost. Relationships ended. Versions of myself alien to my current self.

I want to be so clear that I have an incredible support system here, friends and family that love me and show up for me when I need the extra support. My friends are nostalgic about our hometown and the amazing teenage years we spent together, they always send montage videos of days out from the past. But behind every smiling face and big hug, for me, is a hollow beach, a disconnected high street, places I don’t recognise or feel anymore.

It all started the summer before uni. Everyone around me was nervous and sad to leave, but I was overjoyed. I knew I was stuck and stagnant and needed to physically escape. I know it’s common to be afraid of change, but I crave it. I was miserable the summer before uni, and as much fun as I was having with my friends, once the hangouts ended and I was alone, I’d be straight back to feeling hopeless, lost and stuck. Almost claustrophobic. I knew it was only the moment I was in that car, all packed and on the way to uni, that I’d finally feel the relief and excitement I was chasing. And moving to uni has been the best thing that ever happened to me. I have support systems across the country and the ability to be free. The thought of graduation genuinely horrifies me, but we don’t need to think about that yet.

Nostalgia isn’t something that brings me happiness at the moment, and I really can’t figure out why. Maybe it’s because time seems to be running away, and is something I can’t control.

Coming to my hometown has been harder this time since it’s the first time I’ve been back since ending my long term relationship. There’s evidence of us and the amazing relationship we had in every corner and crevice. There are places I wouldn’t dare go to anymore because it would be too difficult. Being back has forced me to process it in a way that I didn’t have to up north, where I live now.

It’s really hard to admit you’ve outgrown and disconnected from a place that should be home. But this time around I’ve learnt that it’s the people that are home, the people that are safety and security. I don’t need to apologise or feel guilty about the way it makes me feel. I might always experience anxiety and struggle when returning to my hometown, but having my support system show up consistently is all I need to make it through.