Diary of a Happy Goth

I’ve been in the ‘alternative’ scene for years, exploring different subcultures and trying new things. I’m stylistically inquisitive and always on the lookout for new ideas, but for years I was stuck in a mindset of not feeling ‘goth’ enough, comparing myself to people online. I always thought if I wore a colour that wasn’t black or listened to a playlist that wasn’t goth, I was somehow cheating my style. It’s ridiculous, I know, but I really did live this way for years! 

The term ‘guilty pleasure’ is one that has dominated the online world for a long time, and only now do I really understand how unnecessary it is. The social media world has  programmed us to feel guilty about things deemed cringe or unfashionable. Being embarrassed about liking things has consumed me for far too long, with the added struggle of wanting to appear as outwardly goth as possible, which is exhaustingly performative.

Forcing myself into a box

I was so concerned with being perceived as goth that I moulded myself into something that wasn’t entirely authentic. For those unaware, goth is a music based subculture, and there is only one requirement for being involved in the scene: to listen to goth music. It’s as simple as that. Technically, my 60-year-old dad is a goth. 

Of course, left-leaning politics and a kind heart are crucial too. But restricting myself into a box of perfection comes with a sense of irony because the main idea of alternative subcultures is to exist outside a box, to experiment, to not fit in, to defy norms. I was forcing myself to operate on a hypocritical wavelength, not being true to myself or what the subculture preaches.

Essex girl embarrassment

I’m a trashy Essex girl at heart and I’m proud to admit that now. I’d say I’m patriotic (not politically!), but in terms of British pop culture, media, humour and style. Put on some drum and bass bangers and a sleazy reality TV show, and that’s my perfect night-in sorted! 

My analysis is that identifying with the goth subculture is actually patriotism at its finest, because goth is a British born and raised music scene. I think one of the things I love most about it is its Britishness! I also feel privileged to have the freedom to wear the crazy things I do because, despite some nastiness I get in the streets of Britain, nobody actually cares how you dress, there’s no real backlash from being you. I see this the most when I’m abroad sometimes, in countries where there are less alternative people, the locals don’t really know how to perceive me!

The pleasure of not fitting in

I think there’s such a pleasure in not fitting in. It has given me so much confidence to be unapologetically authentic and explorative. I’m so inquisitive and I wouldn’t be me without the ability to explore, break boundaries and try new things. I have no desire to fit into one category, I want to float around different scenes and experiences as much as I can. 

So, you’ll catch me nerding out in the library, screaming at a local black metal show and ending the night dancing to Ibiza classics at the club. Probably all on the same day. Because that’s the pleasure of not fitting in!